Just say that my family watched a dog put his nose on a hotwire fence and get zapped with a loud pop then run off with a yelp of pain. These are the questions that certain members of my family would ask.
MOM: What happened?
C.I.: I wonder what was in the electricity to make the dog ylep like that?
K.R.: Why did the puppy run away and yelp?
L.E.: Why did the dog yelp when he got zapped?
ME or SIS: Stupid dog! What did you do that for?
Then my (slightly) brilliant answer to the above questions:
To MOM: *crickets and silence*
To C.I.: "...electricity..."
To K.R.: "Well why don't you go up to the wire and find out?" (at that point she would be blond enough to go put her hand on the wire while at the same time telling me that it would zap her.)
To L.E.: "You just answered your own questions."
To ME or SIS: "Because...the dog IS stupid..."
And I am sure that this would probably be running through the dog's head: "Shazam! What was that? Why did I put my nose on it?? And what are those humans staring at???"
Friday, November 27, 2009
The blond moments of my family
K.R. is our true blond in this family. She has long thick blond hair that naturally has other colored streaks in it. She is the sort of blond that would open a submarine door if someone knocked on it.
The other day mom was ding school with C.I. and K.R. and she gave them a writing assignment. She told them "put your name and the date at the top of the page."
When she came back later to check on their work, C.I. has put his name and that days date at the top of his page, but K.R. had just put 'name' and 'date' at the top of hers...
Sis used to be a blond, but her hair darkened as she grew. However, that blond still catches up to her every now and then.
One time my mom asked sis to get a towel for the bathroom. Sis stopped short with this blank look on her face and said "Towel? What's a towel?"
Another time Sis and I were waiting in the vehicle for our parents. Sis suddenly took the cigarette lighter and pushed it into its hole for a while then pulled it out. I could smell the heat coming off of it, it was so hot.
"Hey! Put your finger on that!" She told me.
I, being the smart person that i am, said "No way!"
She replied "It won't hurt! Just do it like this..." and she laid her thumb down prettily on that hot cigarette lighter and I must say took it off quickly with a surprised exclamation.
Her thumb looked like a medium rare cooked pork chop for about a week, and she has never done it again...
My mother used to be blond when she was little and every now and then it shows.
The other day she was getting very flustered while waving papers in her hand. I asked her what the matter was. She replied: "I just had some papers in my hand and now I don't know where they are!"
We both paused a moment then she looked at her hand.
"Oh...there they are..."
It now frightens me to know that she will be driving me in the Big City soon. I mean, what if a blond moment like that happened while she was driving?!?
"Oh I can't find the road! It was just here a moment ago!" and she is driving on it...I think I will die!
What about my blond moments???
You don't wanna know... besides, I don't have any because I am burnet all the way through...
Okay, so yeah, my mom told me one time while I was driving that i needed to turn at the next block, so instead of stopping at the stop sign I had pulled up beside, I ran it... and right behind the police station too...that was just once though...
*crickets and stunned silence*
DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! YOU KNOW YOU'VE DONE IT TOO!!!!!
Shieldmaiden
The other day mom was ding school with C.I. and K.R. and she gave them a writing assignment. She told them "put your name and the date at the top of the page."
When she came back later to check on their work, C.I. has put his name and that days date at the top of his page, but K.R. had just put 'name' and 'date' at the top of hers...
Sis used to be a blond, but her hair darkened as she grew. However, that blond still catches up to her every now and then.
One time my mom asked sis to get a towel for the bathroom. Sis stopped short with this blank look on her face and said "Towel? What's a towel?"
Another time Sis and I were waiting in the vehicle for our parents. Sis suddenly took the cigarette lighter and pushed it into its hole for a while then pulled it out. I could smell the heat coming off of it, it was so hot.
"Hey! Put your finger on that!" She told me.
I, being the smart person that i am, said "No way!"
She replied "It won't hurt! Just do it like this..." and she laid her thumb down prettily on that hot cigarette lighter and I must say took it off quickly with a surprised exclamation.
Her thumb looked like a medium rare cooked pork chop for about a week, and she has never done it again...
My mother used to be blond when she was little and every now and then it shows.
The other day she was getting very flustered while waving papers in her hand. I asked her what the matter was. She replied: "I just had some papers in my hand and now I don't know where they are!"
We both paused a moment then she looked at her hand.
"Oh...there they are..."
It now frightens me to know that she will be driving me in the Big City soon. I mean, what if a blond moment like that happened while she was driving?!?
"Oh I can't find the road! It was just here a moment ago!" and she is driving on it...I think I will die!
What about my blond moments???
You don't wanna know... besides, I don't have any because I am burnet all the way through...
Okay, so yeah, my mom told me one time while I was driving that i needed to turn at the next block, so instead of stopping at the stop sign I had pulled up beside, I ran it... and right behind the police station too...that was just once though...
*crickets and stunned silence*
DON'T YOU JUDGE ME! YOU KNOW YOU'VE DONE IT TOO!!!!!
Shieldmaiden
Friday, October 30, 2009
A new summery of my book...Mwhahahaha!!!!
A young nomad man struggles with his identity, his past, his future, and his hate.
A beautiful princess struggles to accept who she is and what she is to become.
A creature is in hiding who follows and protects the nomad.
A world that has a growing shadow upon it.
A secret and massive power grows that threatens all that is good.
Ancient prophecy awaits to be fulfilled…
The young nomad, Keegan, is searching for something, but he does not know what. There is something strange about him that many cannot understand and he holds a secret deep and quiet.
He travels the lands about him searching for what he cannot seem to find until he meets the fair princess Erewhon.
It is then that strange things begin to happen to Keegan and the world around him.
Horrible creatures and men of darkness begin to terrorize villages while black beasts fly through the sky.
Dreams attack Keegan as an ancient and evil being begins to watch him from afar.
The secret that he holds comes closer to being found out and ancient prophecies start to become directed toward him showing him that he has a special purpose, which he denies.
The princess is suddenly captured and taken to uncharted lands causing Keegan to go on a quest to save her from death; a quest that will ultimately change his life.
Battle, pain and death visit him as he is on this quest and he is brought to the test of endurance and faith as he travels on to save the princess.
Along the way his secret is exposed, he comes to find that which he has been seeking for many years now, he learns that he cannot rely on his own strength or deny his future; he finds love and learns who he is truly meant to be:
The Dragon’s Son
A beautiful princess struggles to accept who she is and what she is to become.
A creature is in hiding who follows and protects the nomad.
A world that has a growing shadow upon it.
A secret and massive power grows that threatens all that is good.
Ancient prophecy awaits to be fulfilled…
The young nomad, Keegan, is searching for something, but he does not know what. There is something strange about him that many cannot understand and he holds a secret deep and quiet.
He travels the lands about him searching for what he cannot seem to find until he meets the fair princess Erewhon.
It is then that strange things begin to happen to Keegan and the world around him.
Horrible creatures and men of darkness begin to terrorize villages while black beasts fly through the sky.
Dreams attack Keegan as an ancient and evil being begins to watch him from afar.
The secret that he holds comes closer to being found out and ancient prophecies start to become directed toward him showing him that he has a special purpose, which he denies.
The princess is suddenly captured and taken to uncharted lands causing Keegan to go on a quest to save her from death; a quest that will ultimately change his life.
Battle, pain and death visit him as he is on this quest and he is brought to the test of endurance and faith as he travels on to save the princess.
Along the way his secret is exposed, he comes to find that which he has been seeking for many years now, he learns that he cannot rely on his own strength or deny his future; he finds love and learns who he is truly meant to be:
The Dragon’s Son
A letter to Mr evolutionist and Mr Atheist
Yes! The riddle was solved! The answer was the letter 'M'! Yay!
I wrote this piece to show how I feel and what I think of these ridicules people's ridicules ideas...
Dear Sirs,
I have considered your application to work in my stables and after some thought, a lot of concern and a thorough background check after reading your application I would like to give you my conclusion and point out a few things wrong with some of the theories that you have mentioned about existence and life.
First off your idea about where you came from is a little on the odd side.
Indeed we all have started from a microscopic ‘life form’ Mr. Evolutionist, but not quite the kind you are referring too. Dust and pond slime do not quite cut the mustered.
Mr. Atheist, you have an identity crisis if you believe that you have come from ‘nothing’. If you came from nothing then you are nothing. But yet you are living and breathing. This logic of yours is not logical. I believe that the ‘nothing’ has taken over your head…
Next off, you both seem to believe that we humans have evolved and become ‘bigger and better’. If this ‘scientific logic’ propaganda of yours is ‘bigger and better’ then I am afraid that I do not want the human race to get ‘bigger and better’ anymore…that could be dangerous and I do not want to be the only sane person amid a bunch of nuts.
Next off is this: You say that you have no god, but yet I see that you do. You are worshiping either yourself, nothing, slime or dirt. And yet the slime, dirt and virtual nothing are all you because you supposedly evolved from all of this. So all this is self- worship. Plain and simple.
As a conclusion, I regret that I must reject your job application.
I am afraid that in your spare time of contemplating your strange existence you would possibly scare away or pervert my other happy, employs, customers and trainees and I just can’t afford a risk like that. It is far too big of ‘a leap of faith’ for me take…
Further more I am afraid that the ‘nothing’ that has shaped your existence could possibly be the only thing shaping your head, and seeing as I need reliable, trust worthy and sane employs, I do not think that you both, even together, would fit the bill. With your ‘super-intelligence’ you may find a way to make the horse apples in my stables explode or you would put them in a laboratory somewhere and turn them into something ‘bigger and better’ (like Godzilla), or turn my training horses heads into nothing…besides, horse apples can get dangerous around people like you and horses know a dummy when they see one, so I think I shall reject your application for your own health and mine as well.
I am sorry that this is the fifteenth job application that you have sent out, but I just can’t afford such intelligence. (By the way, the references on your application paper were a little less than enthusiastic when I asked them about your past jobs)
Thank you for considering taking up the tedious job of stable cleaners and grooms, but…I think I have a ‘primate cousin’ that will suite the job just fine. J
I hope that you have a good day,
Miss Lady
P.S.
Good luck job hunting. I have told all my nearest business owner friends about your credibility and your need for a job so they will be looking out…for you…
You might, however, be able to get a job in the White House. I here it is full of ‘apples’ and melons and nuts like you!
I wrote this piece to show how I feel and what I think of these ridicules people's ridicules ideas...
Dear Sirs,
I have considered your application to work in my stables and after some thought, a lot of concern and a thorough background check after reading your application I would like to give you my conclusion and point out a few things wrong with some of the theories that you have mentioned about existence and life.
First off your idea about where you came from is a little on the odd side.
Indeed we all have started from a microscopic ‘life form’ Mr. Evolutionist, but not quite the kind you are referring too. Dust and pond slime do not quite cut the mustered.
Mr. Atheist, you have an identity crisis if you believe that you have come from ‘nothing’. If you came from nothing then you are nothing. But yet you are living and breathing. This logic of yours is not logical. I believe that the ‘nothing’ has taken over your head…
Next off, you both seem to believe that we humans have evolved and become ‘bigger and better’. If this ‘scientific logic’ propaganda of yours is ‘bigger and better’ then I am afraid that I do not want the human race to get ‘bigger and better’ anymore…that could be dangerous and I do not want to be the only sane person amid a bunch of nuts.
Next off is this: You say that you have no god, but yet I see that you do. You are worshiping either yourself, nothing, slime or dirt. And yet the slime, dirt and virtual nothing are all you because you supposedly evolved from all of this. So all this is self- worship. Plain and simple.
As a conclusion, I regret that I must reject your job application.
I am afraid that in your spare time of contemplating your strange existence you would possibly scare away or pervert my other happy, employs, customers and trainees and I just can’t afford a risk like that. It is far too big of ‘a leap of faith’ for me take…
Further more I am afraid that the ‘nothing’ that has shaped your existence could possibly be the only thing shaping your head, and seeing as I need reliable, trust worthy and sane employs, I do not think that you both, even together, would fit the bill. With your ‘super-intelligence’ you may find a way to make the horse apples in my stables explode or you would put them in a laboratory somewhere and turn them into something ‘bigger and better’ (like Godzilla), or turn my training horses heads into nothing…besides, horse apples can get dangerous around people like you and horses know a dummy when they see one, so I think I shall reject your application for your own health and mine as well.
I am sorry that this is the fifteenth job application that you have sent out, but I just can’t afford such intelligence. (By the way, the references on your application paper were a little less than enthusiastic when I asked them about your past jobs)
Thank you for considering taking up the tedious job of stable cleaners and grooms, but…I think I have a ‘primate cousin’ that will suite the job just fine. J
I hope that you have a good day,
Miss Lady
P.S.
Good luck job hunting. I have told all my nearest business owner friends about your credibility and your need for a job so they will be looking out…for you…
You might, however, be able to get a job in the White House. I here it is full of ‘apples’ and melons and nuts like you!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Long time Greetings...
Greetings everybody…I have a new riddle for you. I am sorry that it is so late…
What occurs once in a minuet,
Twice in a moment
And never in a thousand years?
Okay, yeah so this is an oldie riddle that has been around for a while, but hey! It sounded good to me.
I hope that somebody is able to guess it!
So what is up in my life?
…..If you knew half of what I am going through, your head would explode….
A sum up of what’s going on in my life?
Okay. Fast, miserable, ironic, funny and stupid. Odd combo? You should know the rest!
Okay, basically what is going on right now is school. I have to get all of my school done by Nov. 13th. I have 12 reports, 7 wisdom booklets, and 6 lessons of math to do (which is 24 pages of math). This does not include corrections and my book.
I also have to keep up with my chores and family while I am being a mad woman trying to get this all done.
Why must I finish it by Nov. 13th you ask? Because my mom wants me to have time in the holidays (so I can cook no doubt) and so I can prepare for my friend that is coming from Alaska to visit.
Oh yes! My very good friend that lives in Alaska, which I have not seen for five years, is coming to see me around my graduation. Isn’t that exciting news?!? I am very, very excited! She is also bringing her sister and I will be glad to see her too! Now I just need to find where I put their birthday and Christmas gifts at from last year…
Also, we had a recital and art show Oct. 18th and it went very well and was a lot of fun. I hope we can do something similar to it next year!
But alas…the fun lasted only till the next day…then the school bomb of reality hit.
Anyway, as a conclusion and another sum up I am going through a lot of stress right now. You can understand where I am getting some of it (cough, cough: school), but the other stuff you will just have to be in suspense over until further notice. So sorry.
One good thing I have found about stress though: for me, it is a great weight loss program.
Please pray for me and have fun with the riddle!
Shieldmaiden (who is battling dark forces)
P.S.
My face is doing much better from the big bird incident. I just have one scar on my chin and one on my arm…and I survived just fine without a tetanus shot!
What occurs once in a minuet,
Twice in a moment
And never in a thousand years?
Okay, yeah so this is an oldie riddle that has been around for a while, but hey! It sounded good to me.
I hope that somebody is able to guess it!
So what is up in my life?
…..If you knew half of what I am going through, your head would explode….
A sum up of what’s going on in my life?
Okay. Fast, miserable, ironic, funny and stupid. Odd combo? You should know the rest!
Okay, basically what is going on right now is school. I have to get all of my school done by Nov. 13th. I have 12 reports, 7 wisdom booklets, and 6 lessons of math to do (which is 24 pages of math). This does not include corrections and my book.
I also have to keep up with my chores and family while I am being a mad woman trying to get this all done.
Why must I finish it by Nov. 13th you ask? Because my mom wants me to have time in the holidays (so I can cook no doubt) and so I can prepare for my friend that is coming from Alaska to visit.
Oh yes! My very good friend that lives in Alaska, which I have not seen for five years, is coming to see me around my graduation. Isn’t that exciting news?!? I am very, very excited! She is also bringing her sister and I will be glad to see her too! Now I just need to find where I put their birthday and Christmas gifts at from last year…
Also, we had a recital and art show Oct. 18th and it went very well and was a lot of fun. I hope we can do something similar to it next year!
But alas…the fun lasted only till the next day…then the school bomb of reality hit.
Anyway, as a conclusion and another sum up I am going through a lot of stress right now. You can understand where I am getting some of it (cough, cough: school), but the other stuff you will just have to be in suspense over until further notice. So sorry.
One good thing I have found about stress though: for me, it is a great weight loss program.
Please pray for me and have fun with the riddle!
Shieldmaiden (who is battling dark forces)
P.S.
My face is doing much better from the big bird incident. I just have one scar on my chin and one on my arm…and I survived just fine without a tetanus shot!
The day I fought with an owl…
Note: This post was supposed to be on here a long time ago, so most of it is not in affect anymore.
A beautiful and brisk fall morning September 23, 2009 I wake up to find my mother gone to the funeral home because her granddad had passed away that morning, so I go out to do chores before the day gets too crazy and hectic.
I milk the goats, feed the chickens, ducks and Geese (which, by the way, we have two new geese which makes four all together) and then go to untie the dogs and let them stretch in their running pen.
I watch them closely to make sure that they do not dig out or something when I suddenly hear a high pitched squeak, like a rabbit in danger in the small forest to the west of me.
I quietly walk over and go over the barb wire fence toward the sound of the squeak.
Suddenly, WHAM! Feathers, claws, sharp beak, and screeches are in my face along with sharp pain.
I screech at my attacker (or as our secretary put it ‘scream like bloody murder’) and began to bat at it as I try to protect my face, head and eyes (Thank god for Martial Arts training!).
The devil bird pulls clumps of my hair out and beats the back of my neck and my arms. I start grabbing clumps of its feathers and punching it until I finally throw it to the ground.
“There!” I think “That will get him if not kill him.” But alas it was not to be!
The devil bird is at my face again with its terrible screeching and claws.
I screech again and we go through the same routine except I try to run from it this time, but it caught my hair and nearly sat on my head and I did not want it to follow me to the house and hurt a lil kid so I stopped and hit it to the ground again.
The third time we went through this, I back fisted the dumb bird, slamming it against a tree I think, and ran for my life leaving it alive and still screeching at me!
I ran down to the pasture gate, and instead of taking the time to open it for fear of my assailant, I covered my face with my hands, dropped to the ground, and rolled under the fence to the other side, then got up and shot for the house.
When I got to the fenced in yard around the house I came to a screeching halt.
OH SNAP! The UPS man is here!
I looked at my hands and arms: covered in dirt and blood and still bleeding.
I carefully creep up to the door and look in to see that the UPS man is in the other room leaving me a clear run for the bathroom…which I did silently and very quickly….
I washed and washed and washed until the dirt and feathers were gone, but a few places on my face and arms wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I dampened a washcloth and pressed it on the wounds on my face.
I finally heard the UPS man leave, so I went into the kitchen to ask my dad where Sis was so she could check on the dogs.
His horrified look said it all.
I briefed him on the terrifying story then asked him if my neck was bleeding. Thankfully it was not, and my dad got on his phone to call my mom (and the rest of the world) to let her know and came with me to the bathroom to put iodine on my cuts.
The iodine went on and I am proud to say I did not cry or scream when it did…I just took in deep breathes… breathe in, breathe out…and I can also say that I did not cry when the bird attacked me or anything…that happened too fast to cry…
But ya know what is really embarrassing about this whole thing? It was just a dumb bird that chopped me up. It wasn’t something big and terrible like a wild dragon or an Ork or something…just a bird….It is embarrassing that I was challenged by a bird and was unable to kill it!...tis a detriment to my fighting honor….sniff…
Okay not really, but it is just a little embarrassing…not to include horrifying. I just hope that no one else is scared to death.
My dad has everyone in the whole area bird hunting now…including the wild life ranger…
Anyway…my wounds have healed nicely and the funeral went well…though people kept staring at my face in a funny way…I don’t know why….hmmm…
So that is the story of the day: I fought with an owl…or hawk…or kite…whatever it was. I am not sure what it was (I was too busy at the moment to notice or to even care) and I am healing though it is painful and itchy….and the herbal stuff we are putting on stinks…and the iodine hurts like needles, but they are helping…Thank God.
Well, God bless all till next time and watch out for the birds!
Shieldmaiden
A beautiful and brisk fall morning September 23, 2009 I wake up to find my mother gone to the funeral home because her granddad had passed away that morning, so I go out to do chores before the day gets too crazy and hectic.
I milk the goats, feed the chickens, ducks and Geese (which, by the way, we have two new geese which makes four all together) and then go to untie the dogs and let them stretch in their running pen.
I watch them closely to make sure that they do not dig out or something when I suddenly hear a high pitched squeak, like a rabbit in danger in the small forest to the west of me.
I quietly walk over and go over the barb wire fence toward the sound of the squeak.
Suddenly, WHAM! Feathers, claws, sharp beak, and screeches are in my face along with sharp pain.
I screech at my attacker (or as our secretary put it ‘scream like bloody murder’) and began to bat at it as I try to protect my face, head and eyes (Thank god for Martial Arts training!).
The devil bird pulls clumps of my hair out and beats the back of my neck and my arms. I start grabbing clumps of its feathers and punching it until I finally throw it to the ground.
“There!” I think “That will get him if not kill him.” But alas it was not to be!
The devil bird is at my face again with its terrible screeching and claws.
I screech again and we go through the same routine except I try to run from it this time, but it caught my hair and nearly sat on my head and I did not want it to follow me to the house and hurt a lil kid so I stopped and hit it to the ground again.
The third time we went through this, I back fisted the dumb bird, slamming it against a tree I think, and ran for my life leaving it alive and still screeching at me!
I ran down to the pasture gate, and instead of taking the time to open it for fear of my assailant, I covered my face with my hands, dropped to the ground, and rolled under the fence to the other side, then got up and shot for the house.
When I got to the fenced in yard around the house I came to a screeching halt.
OH SNAP! The UPS man is here!
I looked at my hands and arms: covered in dirt and blood and still bleeding.
I carefully creep up to the door and look in to see that the UPS man is in the other room leaving me a clear run for the bathroom…which I did silently and very quickly….
I washed and washed and washed until the dirt and feathers were gone, but a few places on my face and arms wouldn’t stop bleeding, so I dampened a washcloth and pressed it on the wounds on my face.
I finally heard the UPS man leave, so I went into the kitchen to ask my dad where Sis was so she could check on the dogs.
His horrified look said it all.
I briefed him on the terrifying story then asked him if my neck was bleeding. Thankfully it was not, and my dad got on his phone to call my mom (and the rest of the world) to let her know and came with me to the bathroom to put iodine on my cuts.
The iodine went on and I am proud to say I did not cry or scream when it did…I just took in deep breathes… breathe in, breathe out…and I can also say that I did not cry when the bird attacked me or anything…that happened too fast to cry…
But ya know what is really embarrassing about this whole thing? It was just a dumb bird that chopped me up. It wasn’t something big and terrible like a wild dragon or an Ork or something…just a bird….It is embarrassing that I was challenged by a bird and was unable to kill it!...tis a detriment to my fighting honor….sniff…
Okay not really, but it is just a little embarrassing…not to include horrifying. I just hope that no one else is scared to death.
My dad has everyone in the whole area bird hunting now…including the wild life ranger…
Anyway…my wounds have healed nicely and the funeral went well…though people kept staring at my face in a funny way…I don’t know why….hmmm…
So that is the story of the day: I fought with an owl…or hawk…or kite…whatever it was. I am not sure what it was (I was too busy at the moment to notice or to even care) and I am healing though it is painful and itchy….and the herbal stuff we are putting on stinks…and the iodine hurts like needles, but they are helping…Thank God.
Well, God bless all till next time and watch out for the birds!
Shieldmaiden
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